I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Sharon, call the vet
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳