I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

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Me: I love star wars movies
Friend: What’s your favourite line?
Me: Probably “aaaaarggh…Luke ya scurvy dog, I am yer fartha”
Friend: Sounds like a pirate copy


Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”


Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.


*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”


Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready


[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”


Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill