I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
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My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*