I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
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ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Breaking news:
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed