I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
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Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
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[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Hell yeah 👍
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ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
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It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.