Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

Super Hand Dog Face

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair