I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
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Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle