I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
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me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Good advice.
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…