I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
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If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
*skinny dips into black hole
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G