I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
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The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Meow?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*