Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.