Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

i wish i could marry a nap

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it