I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
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[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Duolingo getting serious.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
#Caturday
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*