I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
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Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”