@That_Damn_Duck

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You c**ts.

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@TheHyyyype

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

@SJSchauer

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

@punmagnate

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

@PaperWash

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

@KalvinMacleod

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

@abbycohenwl

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

@pleatedjeans

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

@novicefather

I played dead in the living room to see how my 2yo would respond.

He climbed on my “corpse” for 5 minutes then turned on the tv.

@wendchymes

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

@AmishPornStar1

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.