Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
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All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Me irl
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.