Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.