Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”