Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”