I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.