I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
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*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.