I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
You Might Also Like
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Howl 😭
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.