I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
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[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.