I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
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WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
The devil.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.