I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
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Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
[eulogy]
line?
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
*limbos away from your hug*
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
british sex workers really pound for pound
this is uni
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed