I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
You Might Also Like
Rude much 😂😂😂
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell