I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
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Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes