Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

accurate

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.