I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
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Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
fly smarter, not harder
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.