I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
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Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
this will hang in the louvre one day
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.