I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
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Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Body by sandwich.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
