Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you