I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
birds and squirrels envy us
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
welp
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes