I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?