Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

Before & after 😅

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”