I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
You Might Also Like
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Sing it!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
But that’s none of my business
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
This will teach them to underestimate me
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.