I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
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[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
6. me as a lawyer
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.