I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
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when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I would move hell over six inches for you
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes