@donni

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

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@Midgetspar

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

@ItsAndyRyan

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

@Dani_Feld

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

@copymama

After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.

@proEXgirlfriend

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

@ohthatbadger

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

@prufrockluvsong

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

@rockymomax

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me