i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
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Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak