Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

I’m going to need a moment here.

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*