I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
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HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her