Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?