Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

you gotta be faster

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

My favorite female superhero

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.