I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
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person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Close call…
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want