I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
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Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I gave up going to work for lent.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.