I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
You Might Also Like
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
If you know, you know
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.