I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
You Might Also Like
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
“What?”
– Jude
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
