ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
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At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Oh boy, $150,000!
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
