Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.