Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put the I in Insufferable.

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.