Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

Me irl

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

christening a ship with an overripe banana