I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.