I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
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I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Me too door. Me too.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying