I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
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“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
🤣🤣
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
tag yourself
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.