I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
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Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Gods work.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro