I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
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@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.