I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
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[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check