Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?