IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
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How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.