IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
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So sick of all these stupid rules
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.