Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

Weighing up my bread heating options

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

I have a place for everything. The floor.

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?