Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

I WON A HAM TODAY

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

I only treason on days ending in y

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait