I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
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HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off