I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
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It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away