Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”