I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Planet of the Apps.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on