I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
North and South
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
One venti cheeseburger please.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.