I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

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Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school


*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*


I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”


So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.


Me: “Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you.”
Also Me: “The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82′ in length.”


No wonder dinosaurs went extinct. They were made of bones. If they’d had some organs and muscles they’d probably still be here.


Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.



C: Have a nice day


I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.


If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.


Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.