I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
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*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.