I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
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You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
uh oh
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”