I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
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Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Oh no
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money