Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sweet dreams💖

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

181.

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.