I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
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My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.