i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
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*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus