i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
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HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
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writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.