Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

My background check bounced.

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets